Frustrated

I'm getting better. At least the part of me that made me feel sick is getting better. That would be the heart--the atrial fibrillation. Now that my heart muscle has had this time to rest, (this is my theory anyway) I am feeling better. So why am I so frustrated? The rest of my muscles, while my heart muscle was resting, have lost tone and strength. The arthritis seems to be continually growing worse and my knees really hurt when I am up walking or standing very much. At the same time, my body is refusing to allow my mind any peace. It wants to get up and move! That is wonderful! My mind and my body are in sinc at least some of the time and I am finding myself doing more all the time. Not just that....but I am wanting to and that is an important thing to. When you are sick, you just don't want to do much of anything and you end up not caring about a lot of things. You just don't have any energy to care.
Feeling better started gradually around December/January. It was then that I was able to start thinking about the baby steps I would be taking to work my way back. At this point I don't think I am going to get back everything I was before all of this, but I am not going to allow myself to give up. Eventually maybe I will get a knee replacement or two. But that is not in the foreseeable near future.
Another reason for the frustration is that with this nice spring weather I want to be outside enjoying it. The thing is, I don't know how to anymore. I don't know how to do anything other than go to WalMart where I can drive around and around in the motorized cart, or stay in my car when I go anywhere else. I want to get to the parks, to the lakes, to the rivers, and other places where I can photograph nature in its glory. So for the past few days I have been trying to figure out how to do that. For example, I want to go fishing. Instead of just thinking about what I need to buy and pack for a day trip, I am thinking of additional things such as where can I park so I don't have to walk more than a few feet to the shoreline? Where is the nearest facility for those little necessary trips that interrupt a day spent in the sunshine and breeze, and how far would I have to walk to get there? Or, better yet, can I find a place to park and fish, take pictures, and picnic if I want to, and still be within close driving range to those facilities? These are the kinds of things that are occupying my mind these days.
Soon, like the first part of next month, there will be all kinds of activities going on here in this area, including concerts in the park. I used to go to those every week and really enjoyed them. But at that time, I didn't have to worry about how far away I parked. Even the closest parking places now are too far for me to walk. I don't have a wheelchair and I don't want one unless that would become absolutely necessary. A motorized scooter would be nice but at this point in time, that is way out of my budget. Besides, I am not sure about how easy they are to get in and out of my van.
I really admire those who are able to continue on with their lives and be active even though they are disabled in one way or another. This is a new challenge for me and I hope to conquer it soon. By that I mean, learn how to not let it keep me down or hold me back. I have learned how to manage inside my home by doing things in a different way. Now it is time to learn how to do them on the outside. Of course one obstacle here includes pride. I have issues with feeling embarrassed by my situation and that doesn't help me to push forward. One of the things that bother me about this is that I feel I have to do this by myself because other than my children and a few close friends, the rest of the people I thought of as my friends turned their backs on me for the most part when I got sick. They offered their prayers, from a great distance, leaving only one or two to be the contacts. So, all the activities I used to enjoy with them I will be doing alone now until I find some new friends as I get out and about more. And I am not going to turn my backs on them if they choose to return now that I am feeling better. But I don't expect that to happen.
So, even though I am frustrated right now...even though I want to get out and be as fully active as I was more than two years ago...I am not going to let all these obstacles stop me from moving forward, however slowly I will have to do that. I know for sure if I want to continue putting photos on my photography blog I am going to have to get out there and take some more. In fact, I have tentative plans for this weekend, weather permitting.

Speaking of photos, I am hoping to get out to Daughter's house in the next few weeks and get some pictures of the puppies. By then they should be up and waddling all over her kitchen. One of them died so there are only 8 instead of 9. She said all of them but one are girls. Son-in-law wanted to keep one of the boys, so it looks like that choice is very limited.

Daughter Day Today

Some days you make plans to do something and the day just turns out differently than planned. Today I really had no plans and decided at the last minute almost to go spend the day with Daughter and Grandson. Daughter has been wanting me to make an Indian sweet that I have not made in years and years. So the other day I had bought part of the ingredients not even thinking about what all I would need. Today she wanted me to come to her house and make it, so we compared what I had and what she had to see if we had enough to make it and decided to try it.
After playing with Grandson awhile before lunch and his nap, we got to the kitchen and started going through the recipe and gathering the ingredients. Ooops. She misread on the old smudged recipe card cinnamon instead of cardamom. She didn't have cardamom. I did but it was 30 minutes away. Along with not having rose water, we decided to make this another day at my house. The sweet? Oh, it is called Gulab Jamuns. And we really didn't need all that sugar anyway, right?
Daughter's big dog, a gentle rotweiler named Turbo, who is almost seven years old, suffering from doggie arthritis and other older large dog maladies, seems to be pregnant for the first time. Turbo has been restricted to the outdoors during Grandson's awake time and apparently a neighbor's black lab decided to make Turbo his girlfriend. Well, now the question is, what to do about the location for mommy to deliver her puppies. Since Daughter would like that place to be in one side of her kitchen where she can keep a close eye on Turbo through it all, we set on figuring out just where in her kitchen she could fit. What started out being a cooking time turned into a move-the-refrigerator-over-a-few-inches time. Of course all you housewives know what you find when you move a refrigerator over, don't you? It turned into a sweep and mop up that stuff time, and then Turbo got her big comfy cushion set up where she could have a quiet, semi-secluded area to have her puppies. And she looks like it could be any day now.
Grandson's baby gate has a new temporary use now. Instead of, and in addition to, keeping baby restricted to specific areas, it now is being used overnights and when no one is home, to restrict Turbo to her kitchen labor and delivery room. Then it will keep baby out of the new puppy nursery.

Daughter says the daddy black lab is a very gentle dog too, so the puppies should have their parents' temperments. It will be nice to have a puppy to grow up with Grandson and be his friend and protector. I hope Turbo makes it through this time of physical stress. They tried a few years ago to have her bred but eventually they just figured she would not be able to have puppies. So this has come as a shock. Son-in-law is excited about the prospect of puppies but wants them born outside under the back porch where Turbo likes to spend her time outside. Daughter is more concerned about her health and that she makes it through the delivery okay and the puppies are okay, so prefers the little kitchen OB unit. So the kitchen it is as of today.

Puppy updates to follow.