This has not been the summer I envisioned back in January. Both knees have done very well but other challenges have come along to set me back both physically and emotionally. The worst of these has been the extreme heat that has blanketed the area far sooner than usual, combined with having somehow sprained my ankle. I say "somehow" because I don't know how it happened other than the day before it started getting really sore, I was doing leg exercises while sitting in my recliner, including ankle circles. Maybe I did too many? The last time I sprained my ankle was in much the same way, but was the other one. It was also from over-exercising my foot from a sit-down position. To say my ankles have always been weak is an understatement.
This summer I had hoped to be out doing more and going more places. I'd even hoped that somehow I might get a car so I would not have to depend on someone else to take me all the places I want to go. But between the heat, and the ankle, this summer has been much the same as previous years and I have been stuck at home. Thankfully I did get out more this spring than I did last year, and I hope to be out again soon now that my ankle is feeling better. Saying I have been very disappointed this summer is putting it mildly.
Among the other challenges so far this summer has been the closing of an online chat room where I spent much of my time the past year (almost) and where I met some wonderful people who have become close friends. In response to that chat room being closed down, several of us got together to build a new website with a new chat room so we could stay together and continue to do the things we were doing to help others. You see, that chat room was not just another place online for people to get together. It was a place to help people heal from having been scammed by the Nigerian-type romance scammers that have been attacking most, if not all, the online dating and social network websites. This type of scam is very difficult to understand, especially the aftermath. The people who are damaged by it are left to fend alone because friends and family who have not been through it, have a difficult time understanding it to begin with. This chat room was a place where romance scam victims came together, healed, and many stayed together to reach out to others who came along. The past three weeks have been busy weeks as those of us who stuck together worked to create a new home for this wonderful healing ministry. Yes I call it a ministry because to me that is exactly what it is. Others may call it a mission, and others may just call it home. Yesterday was our official grand opening and it was a great success as we were able to welcome home many who had felt lost and left behind when the other chat room closed. As word gets out I am sure more will come home and together we will once again be there to help new victims of Nigerian Romance Scams to find peace with what has happened to them.
If you have been a victim of these scams, or know of someone who has, or may be involved in a romance scam right now, please visit the new chat room website at Scams Of The Heart for help and support.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Five years ago on June 15th I moved into a place of my own after living nine months in a homeless shelter. Six days later I got sick and I've been sick ever since. Facing loss of job and possible homelessness again I did not go to the doctor like I should have. I had no insurance. My job was as a temp employee with no benefits and no guarantees it would last, although all told I was there full time for fifteen months. I ended up nearly losing my home again because ultimately I got too sick to continue working and was wrongly terminated from my job. I was awarded unemployment benefits but could not collect because I was too sick to work. Thankfully, even though I went through a lot of fear and stress, which was counterproductive to my illness, I was awarded Social Security Disability and also found a great part time job working from home which helped keep me going and independent. But I was really sick.
I am having trouble writing this but I have to get it out because it is choking me right now. All my life I've had to be the strong one. My mom used to say it was a good thing she and I had broad shoulders because we were always seemingly carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. I was still young then. I got married, had kids, stayed married and stayed as strong as I could possibly be and ended up divorced 21 years later. I believed, and still believe in the traditional roles of a wife staying home taking care of her husband, home, and children. I believe that in this society where everyone seems to promote the right to choose, that women who believe in these values be allowed to choose to live that way if it is financially available to them. It was for me most of the time I was married. However, even though I had a lot of college in my background including an Associate Degree in Social Work, I was never prepared for the working world outside of home and family.
When I moved out of that homeless shelter on June 15, 2006, it was my second time dealing with homelessness after my divorce. When I got sick June 21, 2006, I was very active in my church and with my friends at church. As I got sicker and sicker but still needed to keep as much energy as I could to hold my job I gradually cut back on all church activities and time spent with my friends. Only one of my friends from church stuck by me all these years. I also made a good friend while I was in the shelter and she has also stuck by me and I by her. Whatever my church friends thought, I don't know. All I know is that these broad shoulders are very tired.
Tonight I have talked to my one church friend about the situation as I have been trying to get back to church for a couple months now. I want to start slowly, not even sure I can do a full morning of Sunday School and Worship, but I want to try. But for some reason, unknown to me, getting a ride to and from church has been difficult to arrange. I've had offers to go to other churches. But it feels so much like my home church does not want me anymore.
Tonight as I talked to my friend and we got caught up on each other's lives as friends do, I thought back over the last 5 years and how I've had to go through everything I have been through without church support because they were not there for me. My family was there for me and my two wonderful friends were there for me. I have a couple other wonderful friends who have since been there for me in the past three years.
Nine months ago on September 15, 2010, something happened that I do not wish to go into detail about at this time, but it changed my life yet again. As a result of this event that was painful for me, I met some of the most wonderful people I've ever known. These friends have stood by me through everything in my life since that time much more than my church ever did in all the past five years. Yet I have only met one of them in person so far. They were there to talk to me, listen to me, help me laugh, let me cry and let me try to give back to them the same friendship.
In all of this, in all of my life, one Friend has always been there for me and without Him I never would have made it this far in life. There is a song I want to share with everyone tonight and I also ask that anyone who reads this who prays, pray for me. Because as strong as I may appear on the outside, the broad shoulders my mom spoke of back when I was still in my youth are wearing down.
I am having trouble writing this but I have to get it out because it is choking me right now. All my life I've had to be the strong one. My mom used to say it was a good thing she and I had broad shoulders because we were always seemingly carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. I was still young then. I got married, had kids, stayed married and stayed as strong as I could possibly be and ended up divorced 21 years later. I believed, and still believe in the traditional roles of a wife staying home taking care of her husband, home, and children. I believe that in this society where everyone seems to promote the right to choose, that women who believe in these values be allowed to choose to live that way if it is financially available to them. It was for me most of the time I was married. However, even though I had a lot of college in my background including an Associate Degree in Social Work, I was never prepared for the working world outside of home and family.
When I moved out of that homeless shelter on June 15, 2006, it was my second time dealing with homelessness after my divorce. When I got sick June 21, 2006, I was very active in my church and with my friends at church. As I got sicker and sicker but still needed to keep as much energy as I could to hold my job I gradually cut back on all church activities and time spent with my friends. Only one of my friends from church stuck by me all these years. I also made a good friend while I was in the shelter and she has also stuck by me and I by her. Whatever my church friends thought, I don't know. All I know is that these broad shoulders are very tired.
Tonight I have talked to my one church friend about the situation as I have been trying to get back to church for a couple months now. I want to start slowly, not even sure I can do a full morning of Sunday School and Worship, but I want to try. But for some reason, unknown to me, getting a ride to and from church has been difficult to arrange. I've had offers to go to other churches. But it feels so much like my home church does not want me anymore.
Tonight as I talked to my friend and we got caught up on each other's lives as friends do, I thought back over the last 5 years and how I've had to go through everything I have been through without church support because they were not there for me. My family was there for me and my two wonderful friends were there for me. I have a couple other wonderful friends who have since been there for me in the past three years.
Nine months ago on September 15, 2010, something happened that I do not wish to go into detail about at this time, but it changed my life yet again. As a result of this event that was painful for me, I met some of the most wonderful people I've ever known. These friends have stood by me through everything in my life since that time much more than my church ever did in all the past five years. Yet I have only met one of them in person so far. They were there to talk to me, listen to me, help me laugh, let me cry and let me try to give back to them the same friendship.
In all of this, in all of my life, one Friend has always been there for me and without Him I never would have made it this far in life. There is a song I want to share with everyone tonight and I also ask that anyone who reads this who prays, pray for me. Because as strong as I may appear on the outside, the broad shoulders my mom spoke of back when I was still in my youth are wearing down.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Scars, Beauty, Loving Myself
Having recently had my second total knee replacement surgery, I now have one more long scar that reminds me I am getting older, and I don't look the way I want to look. The past week or so I have been having conversations with a few friends and they have been telling me things I already know. I have to love myself in spite of what I think I look like. Not just on the inside but on the outside too. God looks at the inner person. Unfortunately people look at the outside of the package before they decide if they want what is on the inside. You see this all the time at gift giving events such as Christmas or birthdays. You see it at book stores and libraries. How many times have we all been taught not to judge a book by its cover, yet how many times do we still pick out the books that appeal to our sight? Hollywood and the media have gone to great lengths to make beauty the most important features people "should" be looking at. Yet when the beautiful people fall, like Charlie Sheen recently did, we see a good looking man who was not so good looking on the inside. What does he have left for the general public to admire? My point is, beauty really is only skin deep.
How this applies to my blog today is this: My body is full of scars. My body is overweight. Even though I am losing weight and may be successful at continuing to lose weight, I probably will never have a good supermodel type body. I don't even want to. I just want to feel healthy and strong again. But all those scars, and each and every inch and pound I carry on this body represents something I have gone through in my life. Most of those things were not pleasant events. I started gaining weight at the age of 7 or 8 after the last time I was molested by a neighborhood teenage boy. Prior to that I had been molested by other people, each time a different incident and different people. When I got to that last time, I somehow subconsciously told myself it would never happen again because I would not let it. I believed some of the monsters who told me that it was my fault because I was "such a pretty little girl". To stop it, I started to gain weight. No matter how much I tried as a teenager or young woman to lose weight, the weight just kept piling on, underneath it all the fear that if I got thin I would be raped. When people look at me today and see me as I am, no one can tell what the scars of this overweight woman are from. But there are more reasons this woman is overweight--more events in life that brought on weight gains. But more on that follows.
All my other scars tell their own stories. One that reminds me of the day my beautiful daughter was born. Her birth did not cause a scar but shortly after I needed surgery to remove my gallbladder which I was told had stones that probably shifted during the pregnancy and birth. Another scar is from the birth of my precious son born by C-section. There was a lot of fear surrounding his birth along with a lot of faith. Thankfully everything was fine. I have many more scars. Each one representing something God has brought me through and each scar reminds me that I am here and alive and God is with me always. My excess weight is not all about the fears of being raped. I've had a lot of bad situations in life I have lived through. Stress, we now know, causes weight gain. Plus I admit I ate too much. I don't drink alcohol and I don't smoke. I don't gamble and I don't spend money I don't have. I don't do any number of stress-relieving activities that are harmful to our health. I eat. Or I should say I ate. After a year of reversing that harmful behavior my weight has started to go down. But I have to take it slowly because if I lose weight too quickly I could have other problems I can't fix. Each of my two pregnancies worked in reverse of most women's pregnancies. I did not gain weight with the pregnancies. But I put on the baby weight AFTER the babies were born. Maybe I felt an empty place needed filled. I don't know. All I do know is my metabolism skyrocketed while pregnant and dropped afterwards.
Now this brings me to what I really want to say. I love myself. I love myself and I am happy with who I am. It has taken me many years to come to the place in my life where I could say I like who I am. I like the woman I have become on the inside and I want to continue to improve myself in anyway I can. Loving my body has been a totally different struggle, but this past week or so with the conversations I've had, I've come to a conclusion. I am what I am. Take me as I am or not. I like me. I like the scars. I like what they remind me of because they remind me that I am never alone. God is with me every step I take. The Israelites placed altars along their journeys with God. Every time God brought them through something, or taught them something, they built an altar as remembrance. I consider my scars as my spiritual markers to help me remember just how far I have come in this faith journey called life. If you have trouble looking at me, or seeing me for who I really am because you can't look past the outer shell, that is your loss. My life has never been easy. It probably never will be, although one can always hope. I am beautiful, scars and all, excess weight and all. I am worth getting to know. I am worth caring about. I am worth friendship. I am worth loving. My scars belong to me. They are part of me. They mark who I am. For all those in my life who have turned away from me for whatever reason, I forgive you. If you don't have the courage to talk to me about it, that is also your loss. I am a forgiving person and I have already forgiven you all. For all those who may come into my life in the future and take one look and turn away, I forgive you as well. But for all of you who are currently in my life and have stuck it out with me, I love you all in a very special way. May you all be blessed with love and happiness. With scars come pain. Physical pain and emotional or mental pain as well. Those of you who know what I am talking about understand this pain and the meaning of your own scars. Some scars can't even be seen with human eyes. But we each feel the pain that put those scars there. Hopefully we've also felt the healing. If any of you can't accept me as your friend because of what I look like, and don't care to take the time to know who I really am, it is your loss. Thank you to the ones who do take time to know me. Thank you to the ones who have stood by me as long as we've known each other. Thank you especially that one who could have turned your back but chose not to and continues to reach out to know me better and let me know you. Here's hoping this journey of life and friendship continues in peace and health for all of us.
How this applies to my blog today is this: My body is full of scars. My body is overweight. Even though I am losing weight and may be successful at continuing to lose weight, I probably will never have a good supermodel type body. I don't even want to. I just want to feel healthy and strong again. But all those scars, and each and every inch and pound I carry on this body represents something I have gone through in my life. Most of those things were not pleasant events. I started gaining weight at the age of 7 or 8 after the last time I was molested by a neighborhood teenage boy. Prior to that I had been molested by other people, each time a different incident and different people. When I got to that last time, I somehow subconsciously told myself it would never happen again because I would not let it. I believed some of the monsters who told me that it was my fault because I was "such a pretty little girl". To stop it, I started to gain weight. No matter how much I tried as a teenager or young woman to lose weight, the weight just kept piling on, underneath it all the fear that if I got thin I would be raped. When people look at me today and see me as I am, no one can tell what the scars of this overweight woman are from. But there are more reasons this woman is overweight--more events in life that brought on weight gains. But more on that follows.
All my other scars tell their own stories. One that reminds me of the day my beautiful daughter was born. Her birth did not cause a scar but shortly after I needed surgery to remove my gallbladder which I was told had stones that probably shifted during the pregnancy and birth. Another scar is from the birth of my precious son born by C-section. There was a lot of fear surrounding his birth along with a lot of faith. Thankfully everything was fine. I have many more scars. Each one representing something God has brought me through and each scar reminds me that I am here and alive and God is with me always. My excess weight is not all about the fears of being raped. I've had a lot of bad situations in life I have lived through. Stress, we now know, causes weight gain. Plus I admit I ate too much. I don't drink alcohol and I don't smoke. I don't gamble and I don't spend money I don't have. I don't do any number of stress-relieving activities that are harmful to our health. I eat. Or I should say I ate. After a year of reversing that harmful behavior my weight has started to go down. But I have to take it slowly because if I lose weight too quickly I could have other problems I can't fix. Each of my two pregnancies worked in reverse of most women's pregnancies. I did not gain weight with the pregnancies. But I put on the baby weight AFTER the babies were born. Maybe I felt an empty place needed filled. I don't know. All I do know is my metabolism skyrocketed while pregnant and dropped afterwards.
Now this brings me to what I really want to say. I love myself. I love myself and I am happy with who I am. It has taken me many years to come to the place in my life where I could say I like who I am. I like the woman I have become on the inside and I want to continue to improve myself in anyway I can. Loving my body has been a totally different struggle, but this past week or so with the conversations I've had, I've come to a conclusion. I am what I am. Take me as I am or not. I like me. I like the scars. I like what they remind me of because they remind me that I am never alone. God is with me every step I take. The Israelites placed altars along their journeys with God. Every time God brought them through something, or taught them something, they built an altar as remembrance. I consider my scars as my spiritual markers to help me remember just how far I have come in this faith journey called life. If you have trouble looking at me, or seeing me for who I really am because you can't look past the outer shell, that is your loss. My life has never been easy. It probably never will be, although one can always hope. I am beautiful, scars and all, excess weight and all. I am worth getting to know. I am worth caring about. I am worth friendship. I am worth loving. My scars belong to me. They are part of me. They mark who I am. For all those in my life who have turned away from me for whatever reason, I forgive you. If you don't have the courage to talk to me about it, that is also your loss. I am a forgiving person and I have already forgiven you all. For all those who may come into my life in the future and take one look and turn away, I forgive you as well. But for all of you who are currently in my life and have stuck it out with me, I love you all in a very special way. May you all be blessed with love and happiness. With scars come pain. Physical pain and emotional or mental pain as well. Those of you who know what I am talking about understand this pain and the meaning of your own scars. Some scars can't even be seen with human eyes. But we each feel the pain that put those scars there. Hopefully we've also felt the healing. If any of you can't accept me as your friend because of what I look like, and don't care to take the time to know who I really am, it is your loss. Thank you to the ones who do take time to know me. Thank you to the ones who have stood by me as long as we've known each other. Thank you especially that one who could have turned your back but chose not to and continues to reach out to know me better and let me know you. Here's hoping this journey of life and friendship continues in peace and health for all of us.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Happy New Year!
It's 2011. Already! Where does time go?
New years resolutions don't work with me so I rarely make them. This year was simple. I am not even sure it can be called a resolution. Maybe a mission statement would be a better way of putting it. I just want to be happy, healthy, and strong physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 2010 was a year of changes, mostly dealing with my health and getting better in as many ways as I could. I don't remember when I finally gave in and decided to take the chance on knee replacement. I am the type who reads everything about my health issues that I can find *from reliable sources only* and reading about the knee replacement was both interesting and frightening, especially the complications. Did I say I was scared? Maybe the oddest thing I did at this time once I had the surgery scheduled was to grieve. Grieve? Why? Wasn't this surgery designed to make things better? To put in the new parts the old parts had to be removed...taken away...permanently. The idea that I was going to have part of my bones sawed off to make room for metal and plastic was almost overwhelming to me. Even reading the word "prosthetic" was a bit difficult for me to comprehend. I mean this was going to be "invisible" to the world save for the scar on my knee. But it was a fake part and was, therefore, a prosthetic. And this prosthetic is not a removable part fastened to the outside. It is permanently implanted inside the body where many kinds of infections can go directly to it causing lots of health problems including the need for new surgery. So I grieved the loss of the real bone and made myself mentally ready to accept the newcomer.
When I became disabled in 2007 I was still walking fine. My issues dealt with my heart rhythm mostly, but included several other health issues. Walking was only affected in distance, which is still an issue. But as I was so sick and so in shock at the time I was first going into the issues of disability, including the stress of not having a job and not knowing if I would be approved for disability benefits, that the stress of it all seemed to make me feel even worse physically. Angina was a big problem, especially with any physical effort I tried to make. Even the simplest thing like the almost constant toe-tapping I do to the music in my head or on the stereo made my chest hurt. Depression was bad. The worst part of it was the loss of all the activities in my life in addition to my job. I gained a lot of weight. I've always been heavy and trying to lose weight. Now here I was gradually cutting bad things out of my diet because of health reasons, yet I was still gaining weight instead of losing it. Depression grew worse.
In November 2008 after I ended up with a stress fracture in my right foot (due to inactivity and weakness I am sure) then a bad sprain of my left ankle in February 2009, I ended up permanently on crutches. All through this time my balance was getting worse due to inactivity. I am not sure if I really needed the crutches or not, but I felt better using them than I did using just the cane. (The cane came along sometime in 2008 but not sure when.)
I did get to move to a better home in 2008 and that was a big boost to my spirits. I had a good part time job within the income limits allowed with disability benefits. I had a better home with much nicer landlords. Depression eased. Stress was somewhat decreased. When I made the tough decision in January 2009 to quit the work from home job I had, stress decreased to almost none. Depression improved tremendously although I still have my moments. But I think this was the start of the turning point in my health issues. Life was settling down to an even keel and I was finding that I was happy again.
To say that things have been easy during this time would be a lie. Simpler, yes. But definitely not easy. By the time I had the knee replacement surgery in May I was mentally and emotionally ready for everything involved. What I did not expect was that I would not be going out to even the simplest places such as Walmart the rest of 2010! I thought I would be up and out of the house a lot more than I had been once I felt recovered enough. What happened instead is that by the time I felt ready to go to Walmart again I pretty much was in a routine where I just let things ride as they were. It was just easier. Going up and down the steps leading to my apartment was still painful and I wasn't thrilled with the idea of riding the motorized carts yet with my knee bent so tight the whole time. So I spent June through December at home, only going out for the occasional doctor appointment and sometimes out to eat during the same trip. In December my daughter and I made our one and only shopping trip since I had surgery in May. It was a beautiful, fun day.
I can still remember the day I stopped using my cane! I was going to the dentist. I had taken my cane with me for the steps in and out of the apartment. But I have never used the cane since that day. Somehow that day I decided it was time to test my abilities and my balance. When I got home I had a celebration. My grandson was especially excited seeing me walk without the cane or crutches. He still comments about it once in awhile. He's only three! I can remember the first day he decided he did not need to get his toys out of my way when I walked to the kitchen. He said, "Grandma you can walk over it now." How could I not smile at that?
Sometime around this time, even though I had planned on having my other knee replaced in late winter, I changed my plans. I was feeling so much better that I decided to move the surgery up to as soon after the Christmas holidays as possible. I thought that having it earlier in the year would make recovery come earlier as well and maybe I would have some time getting to go out and do something other than going to the doctor in 2011. Maybe I might even get to go fishing! That would be so wonderful. (Okay friends if you are reading this...who wants to go fishing with me this summer?)
So here I am less than two weeks away from my second knee replacement surgery. I've lost 30 lbs since the first surgery thanks to a total life change in my food choices and the slight increase in activity. I can walk again and it feels so good just to go up and down my front steps as easily as any normal person. True after the surgery I have to go through the entire recovery process all over again. But this time I know what to expect and I can hopefully work through it better than I did the first time around. I am an unusual person so I was told by my physical therapist last time. As much as the therapy hurt, I pushed for more many times instead of wanting to quit. I had realized that the next day was always improved from the day before if I worked hard at the therapy. So this time I am hopefully going to push even harder within reasonable limits that the therapists allow. In fact this time I plan on getting help with the rest of my muscle groups that have been neglected the past four years since I got sick in the first place. The more I can walk the more these other muscles hurt. I also plan on working on my endurance so I can tolerate standing longer and walking longer distances than just a couple hundred feet or so that I can do now.
So this is why I chose this "resolution" for 2011. My health has already improved enough to change my outlook on my future. In 2009 I gave up my car. As hard as that decision was for me, I wasn't driving it. It was sitting out there getting flat tire after flat tire from non-use and causing me stress. So when a friend of mine needed a car for herself and her children, the choice was clear. God had provided that car for me in such an amazing way. How could I not pass it on to someone else who needed it? I had pretty much given up on ever having any kind of life again because of all my health issues. Having my knee replaced and the progress I have made since doing so has changed all that. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now. I can see a bright future ahead of me. At this point I am not sure what that future holds but I am too young yet to waste the future feeling sorry for myself and moping about my life. The legs work much better. The balance has returned. I have lost some of the weight I gained after getting sick. But I still have major health issues to deal with as well as a lot more weight to lose. I am not looking to become anything more than the most healthy person I can be at this point. But I have been encouraged through all of this. Life is good. Obstacles can be overcome one way or another. I might not be able to do things the same way "normal" people do them, but I will find a way wherever possible to get done what I need to get done. Right now that is to get through this second knee replacement surgery and the long recovery time as positively as I possibly can. My goal after that? Ask God if I can have another car. It's time to get out of the house again and not put so much of a burden on my daughter. It's all still a baby step process, but I am not falling down so much as I re-learn to walk the road of my life.
New years resolutions don't work with me so I rarely make them. This year was simple. I am not even sure it can be called a resolution. Maybe a mission statement would be a better way of putting it. I just want to be happy, healthy, and strong physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 2010 was a year of changes, mostly dealing with my health and getting better in as many ways as I could. I don't remember when I finally gave in and decided to take the chance on knee replacement. I am the type who reads everything about my health issues that I can find *from reliable sources only* and reading about the knee replacement was both interesting and frightening, especially the complications. Did I say I was scared? Maybe the oddest thing I did at this time once I had the surgery scheduled was to grieve. Grieve? Why? Wasn't this surgery designed to make things better? To put in the new parts the old parts had to be removed...taken away...permanently. The idea that I was going to have part of my bones sawed off to make room for metal and plastic was almost overwhelming to me. Even reading the word "prosthetic" was a bit difficult for me to comprehend. I mean this was going to be "invisible" to the world save for the scar on my knee. But it was a fake part and was, therefore, a prosthetic. And this prosthetic is not a removable part fastened to the outside. It is permanently implanted inside the body where many kinds of infections can go directly to it causing lots of health problems including the need for new surgery. So I grieved the loss of the real bone and made myself mentally ready to accept the newcomer.
When I became disabled in 2007 I was still walking fine. My issues dealt with my heart rhythm mostly, but included several other health issues. Walking was only affected in distance, which is still an issue. But as I was so sick and so in shock at the time I was first going into the issues of disability, including the stress of not having a job and not knowing if I would be approved for disability benefits, that the stress of it all seemed to make me feel even worse physically. Angina was a big problem, especially with any physical effort I tried to make. Even the simplest thing like the almost constant toe-tapping I do to the music in my head or on the stereo made my chest hurt. Depression was bad. The worst part of it was the loss of all the activities in my life in addition to my job. I gained a lot of weight. I've always been heavy and trying to lose weight. Now here I was gradually cutting bad things out of my diet because of health reasons, yet I was still gaining weight instead of losing it. Depression grew worse.
In November 2008 after I ended up with a stress fracture in my right foot (due to inactivity and weakness I am sure) then a bad sprain of my left ankle in February 2009, I ended up permanently on crutches. All through this time my balance was getting worse due to inactivity. I am not sure if I really needed the crutches or not, but I felt better using them than I did using just the cane. (The cane came along sometime in 2008 but not sure when.)
I did get to move to a better home in 2008 and that was a big boost to my spirits. I had a good part time job within the income limits allowed with disability benefits. I had a better home with much nicer landlords. Depression eased. Stress was somewhat decreased. When I made the tough decision in January 2009 to quit the work from home job I had, stress decreased to almost none. Depression improved tremendously although I still have my moments. But I think this was the start of the turning point in my health issues. Life was settling down to an even keel and I was finding that I was happy again.
To say that things have been easy during this time would be a lie. Simpler, yes. But definitely not easy. By the time I had the knee replacement surgery in May I was mentally and emotionally ready for everything involved. What I did not expect was that I would not be going out to even the simplest places such as Walmart the rest of 2010! I thought I would be up and out of the house a lot more than I had been once I felt recovered enough. What happened instead is that by the time I felt ready to go to Walmart again I pretty much was in a routine where I just let things ride as they were. It was just easier. Going up and down the steps leading to my apartment was still painful and I wasn't thrilled with the idea of riding the motorized carts yet with my knee bent so tight the whole time. So I spent June through December at home, only going out for the occasional doctor appointment and sometimes out to eat during the same trip. In December my daughter and I made our one and only shopping trip since I had surgery in May. It was a beautiful, fun day.
I can still remember the day I stopped using my cane! I was going to the dentist. I had taken my cane with me for the steps in and out of the apartment. But I have never used the cane since that day. Somehow that day I decided it was time to test my abilities and my balance. When I got home I had a celebration. My grandson was especially excited seeing me walk without the cane or crutches. He still comments about it once in awhile. He's only three! I can remember the first day he decided he did not need to get his toys out of my way when I walked to the kitchen. He said, "Grandma you can walk over it now." How could I not smile at that?
Sometime around this time, even though I had planned on having my other knee replaced in late winter, I changed my plans. I was feeling so much better that I decided to move the surgery up to as soon after the Christmas holidays as possible. I thought that having it earlier in the year would make recovery come earlier as well and maybe I would have some time getting to go out and do something other than going to the doctor in 2011. Maybe I might even get to go fishing! That would be so wonderful. (Okay friends if you are reading this...who wants to go fishing with me this summer?)
So here I am less than two weeks away from my second knee replacement surgery. I've lost 30 lbs since the first surgery thanks to a total life change in my food choices and the slight increase in activity. I can walk again and it feels so good just to go up and down my front steps as easily as any normal person. True after the surgery I have to go through the entire recovery process all over again. But this time I know what to expect and I can hopefully work through it better than I did the first time around. I am an unusual person so I was told by my physical therapist last time. As much as the therapy hurt, I pushed for more many times instead of wanting to quit. I had realized that the next day was always improved from the day before if I worked hard at the therapy. So this time I am hopefully going to push even harder within reasonable limits that the therapists allow. In fact this time I plan on getting help with the rest of my muscle groups that have been neglected the past four years since I got sick in the first place. The more I can walk the more these other muscles hurt. I also plan on working on my endurance so I can tolerate standing longer and walking longer distances than just a couple hundred feet or so that I can do now.
So this is why I chose this "resolution" for 2011. My health has already improved enough to change my outlook on my future. In 2009 I gave up my car. As hard as that decision was for me, I wasn't driving it. It was sitting out there getting flat tire after flat tire from non-use and causing me stress. So when a friend of mine needed a car for herself and her children, the choice was clear. God had provided that car for me in such an amazing way. How could I not pass it on to someone else who needed it? I had pretty much given up on ever having any kind of life again because of all my health issues. Having my knee replaced and the progress I have made since doing so has changed all that. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now. I can see a bright future ahead of me. At this point I am not sure what that future holds but I am too young yet to waste the future feeling sorry for myself and moping about my life. The legs work much better. The balance has returned. I have lost some of the weight I gained after getting sick. But I still have major health issues to deal with as well as a lot more weight to lose. I am not looking to become anything more than the most healthy person I can be at this point. But I have been encouraged through all of this. Life is good. Obstacles can be overcome one way or another. I might not be able to do things the same way "normal" people do them, but I will find a way wherever possible to get done what I need to get done. Right now that is to get through this second knee replacement surgery and the long recovery time as positively as I possibly can. My goal after that? Ask God if I can have another car. It's time to get out of the house again and not put so much of a burden on my daughter. It's all still a baby step process, but I am not falling down so much as I re-learn to walk the road of my life.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Updates
Check out the Coping With Disabilities Blog for an update on my knee replacement surgery.
Since the last post, life has been interesting to say the least. I decided since I was feeling a bit better after having my right knee replaced, that I would see if just maybe I might be able to start dating. In all my life, dating has not been something that really worked out for me well. But things change, right? So I decided to try some online dating sites. Anyone ever hear of Nigerian Romance Scams? Well, guess what? The online dating sites are full of them. And one of them (though I have since learned that it is never just one person behind the persona and photo) hooked me. Thankfully, I was one of the lucky ones who did not get scammed out of money. Thankfully, having been through some situations much like these scams, I started seeing the red flags quickly and got out. Every cloud has its silver lining though, right? Right. Through that experience I have met some wonderful people from all over the world who are fast becoming good friends, bonded together by these evil scam artists. As for the online dating sites? Forget them. At least I am putting them aside for now. I know how to protect myself if I should ever decide to try again, but I don't see that happening anytime in the near future. I like to live as stress-free as possible, and since my health depends on it, dealing with sorting out scam artists from real people just doesn't seem worth the stress involved. Once again, this is just another area of life I will leave in the hands of God.
My uncle died in November. Since my aunt and my mom died back in the late 1980's, holidays have changed. But now the holidays as I have known them all my life, will never be the same again. When I was very young, all of my family got together at my grandparents' home for the holidays. Every Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas found us together there. Most of the time, every other day of the week would find some of us gathering there for whatever reason. But families being what they are, things happened and the family split apart. Have I told you that I am not good with change sometimes? Especially with changes that seem to me like they are destructive. Most of us still gathered for the holidays at my grandparents' house. Later we moved it to my aunt and uncle's home after Grandma died. Then Grandpa moved in with my aunt and uncle. The holidays were still the same, however. We grew older. We married and had children of our own. The house swelled with family, laughter, food, and football. Then my mom passed away in 1986 and I felt the first real pangs of change. My aunt worked hard to be there for me in place of her beloved sister, my mom. In 1989, my aunt also passed away. She died of cancer and in her last days I could not even bring myself to visit her because it hurt so badly to see her that way and to know I was losing yet another person I loved. When she died, the holidays changed in subtle ways and in outward ways. We stopped having Easter together as a group. Some family members started taking vacations, other couldn't fit it into their work schedules, and maybe others just didn't feel like dealing with yet another holiday without loved ones there. Without my mom and my aunt, I started feeling a bit out of place myself. Even though the whole family is large, only my aunt and uncle and their children and grandchildren, along with my mom, me and my children gathered there for the holidays at my aunt and uncle's home. Without my mom and aunt there, I felt like my anchor to the family was gone. This year everything changed. My uncle died. So many questions are yet to be answered. Others may not have even been asked yet. Over the years as all of our children grew up, married, and had children of their own (yes we are now the grandparents) the holidays have become harder and harder to schedule time to get everyone together in one place. Every year someone is missing from the group due to work schedules. Never are holidays celebrated even with my own children and grandchildren on the actual holiday. I don't have any holidays anymore and haven't had for several years. Whenever any of us can manage to get a day set aside to get together becomes our holiday. The past two years because of my foot problems and ending up walking on crutches, plus being sick over the winter, I have not been able to go to the big family Thanksgiving or Christmas. I was looking forward to it this year as I haven't in a long time. Things change. Life changes. Growing up with just my mom and me together, my aunt and uncle became sort of surrogate parents for me, especially my aunt. I also had my grandfather as a surrogate father for me and my mom's great aunt as a surrogate mother for me. I was surrounded by these wonderful people as I grew up. My closest friends were my cousins and to me they were like brothers and sisters to a lonely girl who had no siblings of her own. As these surrogate parents started to leave this world, it became harder and harder for me to feel like I belonged anywhere. As everyone else had someone else to share their griefs with, I was left to grieve alone. This year, grieving has taken on a different tone. This year for the first time ever in my life, there is no big family holiday. It's not that I am sick or injured and can't go as in the past, because my children and grandchildren were still going. This year, there just is no big family gathering for the holidays. My uncle, the father of my closest childhood friends and family, died. At this point, questions remain unasked and/or unanswered. I move on as I always have, with my hand in the hand of my Lord and Savior, without whom I would be totally lost. My children and I have had our Thanksgiving celebration. Christmas is coming very soon. This month and next month my focus is on doctor appointments and preparing for my upcoming knee replacement on my left knee. The future remains, as always, in the hands of our Creator. There is no better place for it to be.
Since the last post, life has been interesting to say the least. I decided since I was feeling a bit better after having my right knee replaced, that I would see if just maybe I might be able to start dating. In all my life, dating has not been something that really worked out for me well. But things change, right? So I decided to try some online dating sites. Anyone ever hear of Nigerian Romance Scams? Well, guess what? The online dating sites are full of them. And one of them (though I have since learned that it is never just one person behind the persona and photo) hooked me. Thankfully, I was one of the lucky ones who did not get scammed out of money. Thankfully, having been through some situations much like these scams, I started seeing the red flags quickly and got out. Every cloud has its silver lining though, right? Right. Through that experience I have met some wonderful people from all over the world who are fast becoming good friends, bonded together by these evil scam artists. As for the online dating sites? Forget them. At least I am putting them aside for now. I know how to protect myself if I should ever decide to try again, but I don't see that happening anytime in the near future. I like to live as stress-free as possible, and since my health depends on it, dealing with sorting out scam artists from real people just doesn't seem worth the stress involved. Once again, this is just another area of life I will leave in the hands of God.
My uncle died in November. Since my aunt and my mom died back in the late 1980's, holidays have changed. But now the holidays as I have known them all my life, will never be the same again. When I was very young, all of my family got together at my grandparents' home for the holidays. Every Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas found us together there. Most of the time, every other day of the week would find some of us gathering there for whatever reason. But families being what they are, things happened and the family split apart. Have I told you that I am not good with change sometimes? Especially with changes that seem to me like they are destructive. Most of us still gathered for the holidays at my grandparents' house. Later we moved it to my aunt and uncle's home after Grandma died. Then Grandpa moved in with my aunt and uncle. The holidays were still the same, however. We grew older. We married and had children of our own. The house swelled with family, laughter, food, and football. Then my mom passed away in 1986 and I felt the first real pangs of change. My aunt worked hard to be there for me in place of her beloved sister, my mom. In 1989, my aunt also passed away. She died of cancer and in her last days I could not even bring myself to visit her because it hurt so badly to see her that way and to know I was losing yet another person I loved. When she died, the holidays changed in subtle ways and in outward ways. We stopped having Easter together as a group. Some family members started taking vacations, other couldn't fit it into their work schedules, and maybe others just didn't feel like dealing with yet another holiday without loved ones there. Without my mom and my aunt, I started feeling a bit out of place myself. Even though the whole family is large, only my aunt and uncle and their children and grandchildren, along with my mom, me and my children gathered there for the holidays at my aunt and uncle's home. Without my mom and aunt there, I felt like my anchor to the family was gone. This year everything changed. My uncle died. So many questions are yet to be answered. Others may not have even been asked yet. Over the years as all of our children grew up, married, and had children of their own (yes we are now the grandparents) the holidays have become harder and harder to schedule time to get everyone together in one place. Every year someone is missing from the group due to work schedules. Never are holidays celebrated even with my own children and grandchildren on the actual holiday. I don't have any holidays anymore and haven't had for several years. Whenever any of us can manage to get a day set aside to get together becomes our holiday. The past two years because of my foot problems and ending up walking on crutches, plus being sick over the winter, I have not been able to go to the big family Thanksgiving or Christmas. I was looking forward to it this year as I haven't in a long time. Things change. Life changes. Growing up with just my mom and me together, my aunt and uncle became sort of surrogate parents for me, especially my aunt. I also had my grandfather as a surrogate father for me and my mom's great aunt as a surrogate mother for me. I was surrounded by these wonderful people as I grew up. My closest friends were my cousins and to me they were like brothers and sisters to a lonely girl who had no siblings of her own. As these surrogate parents started to leave this world, it became harder and harder for me to feel like I belonged anywhere. As everyone else had someone else to share their griefs with, I was left to grieve alone. This year, grieving has taken on a different tone. This year for the first time ever in my life, there is no big family holiday. It's not that I am sick or injured and can't go as in the past, because my children and grandchildren were still going. This year, there just is no big family gathering for the holidays. My uncle, the father of my closest childhood friends and family, died. At this point, questions remain unasked and/or unanswered. I move on as I always have, with my hand in the hand of my Lord and Savior, without whom I would be totally lost. My children and I have had our Thanksgiving celebration. Christmas is coming very soon. This month and next month my focus is on doctor appointments and preparing for my upcoming knee replacement on my left knee. The future remains, as always, in the hands of our Creator. There is no better place for it to be.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Rescheduled
Well, that appointment with the surgeon was rescheduled until this next Friday afternoon. He had an emergency surgery. In the meantime, the still healing top of the incision looks like it might open up yet again. It's collected some blood under the skin. It hasn't opened yet, though, and it seems to be better than the last time it opened up. I called the office and they said that if it opens and there is drainage, I will need to get back on antibiotics to prevent infection. So I am hoping it doesn't open. It looked good tonight.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Three and a Half Month Check-up
In the morning I have an appointment with the surgeon who did my knee replacement. There will be an X-ray as well. I am expecting a good report.
Tonight I am up way too late. But that's normal for me right now. I am always up way too late. I should be asleep. I want to be asleep. Because my appointment is in the morning, I won't get much sleep tonight. But it's okay. I've done it before.
My knee is doing very well, I think. There is still some swelling, but nothing like it was. When I sleep or get very relaxed, after awhile I get achy. Nothing that can't be taken care of by some of the physical therapy exercises I was taught to do, or just getting up and walking will take out the kinks.
The one issue has been the area of the incision that didn't close properly. It had finally healed up and then soon after, opened up again. So after another couple weeks of following the doctor's method of cleansing it, it finally is closed up and looking good again. Hopefully it will continue to stay healed this time and not re-open. We'll have to see what the doctor says about it.
I am hoping to get weighed in the morning and hopefully the weight loss will have continued. I've been trying hard to do what I need to do. I've learned a lot following the "fishy vegetarian" eating plan. However, I am not following that plan any longer. Yes I still eat mostly the fish, but I have chosen to include all other meats as well. But this time, I am going about it in a totally different way than I have ever done in the past. I am relearning how to cook. You see, all my life I have cooked for a small army and always lived on leftovers for the following day. I have never really known how to cook just for one person before. But I've been learning. Following the vegetarian diet and also watching the calorie count has been good for me. This month when I got my groceries I was in an excellent frame of mind to make sure all the meats were packed away into the freezer only after I had reduced them all to individual portion first. With the vegetarian plan I had learned how to cook a lot of meals and only cook for myself. So I am following the same style but keeping the meats to low calorie portions and still using the fruits and vegetables to fill up on. I don't use high calorie sauces so the veggies are lightly seasoned and either steamed, baked, or microwaved. It's still baby steppin it, but I am hoping it is working. Slow weight loss is the best for me. And a slow weight loss is much better than a weight gain...or even staying where I am now. It's not easy. But God is helping me and with God all things are possible.
Tonight I am up way too late. But that's normal for me right now. I am always up way too late. I should be asleep. I want to be asleep. Because my appointment is in the morning, I won't get much sleep tonight. But it's okay. I've done it before.
My knee is doing very well, I think. There is still some swelling, but nothing like it was. When I sleep or get very relaxed, after awhile I get achy. Nothing that can't be taken care of by some of the physical therapy exercises I was taught to do, or just getting up and walking will take out the kinks.
The one issue has been the area of the incision that didn't close properly. It had finally healed up and then soon after, opened up again. So after another couple weeks of following the doctor's method of cleansing it, it finally is closed up and looking good again. Hopefully it will continue to stay healed this time and not re-open. We'll have to see what the doctor says about it.
I am hoping to get weighed in the morning and hopefully the weight loss will have continued. I've been trying hard to do what I need to do. I've learned a lot following the "fishy vegetarian" eating plan. However, I am not following that plan any longer. Yes I still eat mostly the fish, but I have chosen to include all other meats as well. But this time, I am going about it in a totally different way than I have ever done in the past. I am relearning how to cook. You see, all my life I have cooked for a small army and always lived on leftovers for the following day. I have never really known how to cook just for one person before. But I've been learning. Following the vegetarian diet and also watching the calorie count has been good for me. This month when I got my groceries I was in an excellent frame of mind to make sure all the meats were packed away into the freezer only after I had reduced them all to individual portion first. With the vegetarian plan I had learned how to cook a lot of meals and only cook for myself. So I am following the same style but keeping the meats to low calorie portions and still using the fruits and vegetables to fill up on. I don't use high calorie sauces so the veggies are lightly seasoned and either steamed, baked, or microwaved. It's still baby steppin it, but I am hoping it is working. Slow weight loss is the best for me. And a slow weight loss is much better than a weight gain...or even staying where I am now. It's not easy. But God is helping me and with God all things are possible.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)