I'm getting better. At least the part of me that made me feel sick is getting better. That would be the heart--the atrial fibrillation. Now that my heart muscle has had this time to rest, (this is my theory anyway) I am feeling better. So why am I so frustrated? The rest of my muscles, while my heart muscle was resting, have lost tone and strength. The arthritis seems to be continually growing worse and my knees really hurt when I am up walking or standing very much. At the same time, my body is refusing to allow my mind any peace. It wants to get up and move! That is wonderful! My mind and my body are in sinc at least some of the time and I am finding myself doing more all the time. Not just that....but I am wanting to and that is an important thing to. When you are sick, you just don't want to do much of anything and you end up not caring about a lot of things. You just don't have any energy to care.
Feeling better started gradually around December/January. It was then that I was able to start thinking about the baby steps I would be taking to work my way back. At this point I don't think I am going to get back everything I was before all of this, but I am not going to allow myself to give up. Eventually maybe I will get a knee replacement or two. But that is not in the foreseeable near future.
Another reason for the frustration is that with this nice spring weather I want to be outside enjoying it. The thing is, I don't know how to anymore. I don't know how to do anything other than go to WalMart where I can drive around and around in the motorized cart, or stay in my car when I go anywhere else. I want to get to the parks, to the lakes, to the rivers, and other places where I can photograph nature in its glory. So for the past few days I have been trying to figure out how to do that. For example, I want to go fishing. Instead of just thinking about what I need to buy and pack for a day trip, I am thinking of additional things such as where can I park so I don't have to walk more than a few feet to the shoreline? Where is the nearest facility for those little necessary trips that interrupt a day spent in the sunshine and breeze, and how far would I have to walk to get there? Or, better yet, can I find a place to park and fish, take pictures, and picnic if I want to, and still be within close driving range to those facilities? These are the kinds of things that are occupying my mind these days.
Soon, like the first part of next month, there will be all kinds of activities going on here in this area, including concerts in the park. I used to go to those every week and really enjoyed them. But at that time, I didn't have to worry about how far away I parked. Even the closest parking places now are too far for me to walk. I don't have a wheelchair and I don't want one unless that would become absolutely necessary. A motorized scooter would be nice but at this point in time, that is way out of my budget. Besides, I am not sure about how easy they are to get in and out of my van.
I really admire those who are able to continue on with their lives and be active even though they are disabled in one way or another. This is a new challenge for me and I hope to conquer it soon. By that I mean, learn how to not let it keep me down or hold me back. I have learned how to manage inside my home by doing things in a different way. Now it is time to learn how to do them on the outside. Of course one obstacle here includes pride. I have issues with feeling embarrassed by my situation and that doesn't help me to push forward. One of the things that bother me about this is that I feel I have to do this by myself because other than my children and a few close friends, the rest of the people I thought of as my friends turned their backs on me for the most part when I got sick. They offered their prayers, from a great distance, leaving only one or two to be the contacts. So, all the activities I used to enjoy with them I will be doing alone now until I find some new friends as I get out and about more. And I am not going to turn my backs on them if they choose to return now that I am feeling better. But I don't expect that to happen.
So, even though I am frustrated right now...even though I want to get out and be as fully active as I was more than two years ago...I am not going to let all these obstacles stop me from moving forward, however slowly I will have to do that. I know for sure if I want to continue putting photos on my photography blog I am going to have to get out there and take some more. In fact, I have tentative plans for this weekend, weather permitting.
Speaking of photos, I am hoping to get out to Daughter's house in the next few weeks and get some pictures of the puppies. By then they should be up and waddling all over her kitchen. One of them died so there are only 8 instead of 9. She said all of them but one are girls. Son-in-law wanted to keep one of the boys, so it looks like that choice is very limited.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
All Better Now...For The Moment
Any other a-fibbers out there who are following this blog? Fun ain't it? LOL
Well, anyway, I was back in what is called normal sinus rhythm or NSR last night finally. I was wondering it it would happen since I was off the rhythm med even though I am sure there must still be some residue of it in my system still. It's good to feel good. That's all I have to say on that.
It's warm today. And inside it is WARM! Too warm already and the real warm hasn't arrived yet. Hopefully, God willing, there will be some major changes in living conditions around here before the end of May at the latest. I am hoping much sooner than that, but who knows?
Just a bit of rambling here today. I am not really focused on anything much right now. This isn't my "normal" time to be creative or to write...still too early in the afternoon/evening. Right now is the time that my creative juices are wanting a nap. They don't really come alive until much later in the evening. I am a night owl and have been all my life, but life makes changes in things like that. Funny how I can't get to sleep very often before midnight, or if I do, I wake up in the middle of the night like I was just taking a nap. But because of my job I am up early in the mornings like people are for most daytime jobs. Oh how I look forward to those days off when I can "sleep in". What is "sleeping in" to you? To me it means not getting out of bed before 10 a.m. and preferrably sleeping til noon. My body apparently thinks anything more than 15 minutes longer than usual is "sleeping in" and an hour longer is being extravagant! Granted, when I do manage to sleep later, I don't really feel like I have had a day off because the sleeping takes up the same amount of time as the job....and I didn't accomplish a single thing during that free time...or did I?
Isn't it now being found out that the lack of a good night's sleep is one of the major factors in weight gain? Doesn't lack of a good night's sleep cause an decrease in the ability to handle stress? There in a nutshell you have two of my major health issues...being overweight and being unable to physically handle stress. Is it because I don't get enough sleep? They are saying 7-8 hours uninterrupted sleep a night. I get usually around 4-6 uninterrupted hours of sleep, then after a trip to the powder room, maybe another 1-2 hours. Okay, but wait. When I was younger, if I slept anywhere less than 10 hours a night, I did not feel right physically. Ha! That was way before having kids! So, that's what I am looking for here...10 hours a night. I am a grandma now. I earned it. Right? Tell that to this body of mine. I want to stay up late at night. Like I said, that is when the creative juices start flowing. That is when I start getting interested in the blogs, the squidoo lenses, and all the other income increasing activities I am getting involved in begin...oh say, around 9 pm until 1 am. And if I find something really interesting, like I did when I found those animusic videos last week, and that happens later in the evening, I could be up until 4 am without even blinking an eye! I try to limit that to when I do have a day off the next day. So what does happen the next day? My normal wake up time is around 7:30 am. When I end up forgetting to go to bed or just too wired with the interesting stuff to go to bed before 3 am...I end up sleeping until...you guessed it...8:30 and if I am lucky, maybe 9:00. Come on body, give granny a break wouldya?
I know, it's my fault. I need to retrain my body to go to bed earlier rather than to sleep later. That way I can get a good night sleep when I have to get up the next morning for work. That WOULD be the smart thing to do now wouldn't it? I think it is that teenager in me. I am a grandma for goodness sakes. I am old enough to stay up as late as I want to and no one is going to make me go to bed if I don't want to. Oh is that what I know is bouncing around in my head some nights. I work. I pay my bills. I raised my kids. I can do what I want. Oh but doth my body protest. "Granny," says body, "use some common sense and go to bed. NOW!"
Time for a short snooze.....zzzzzzzzzzz
Well, anyway, I was back in what is called normal sinus rhythm or NSR last night finally. I was wondering it it would happen since I was off the rhythm med even though I am sure there must still be some residue of it in my system still. It's good to feel good. That's all I have to say on that.
It's warm today. And inside it is WARM! Too warm already and the real warm hasn't arrived yet. Hopefully, God willing, there will be some major changes in living conditions around here before the end of May at the latest. I am hoping much sooner than that, but who knows?
Just a bit of rambling here today. I am not really focused on anything much right now. This isn't my "normal" time to be creative or to write...still too early in the afternoon/evening. Right now is the time that my creative juices are wanting a nap. They don't really come alive until much later in the evening. I am a night owl and have been all my life, but life makes changes in things like that. Funny how I can't get to sleep very often before midnight, or if I do, I wake up in the middle of the night like I was just taking a nap. But because of my job I am up early in the mornings like people are for most daytime jobs. Oh how I look forward to those days off when I can "sleep in". What is "sleeping in" to you? To me it means not getting out of bed before 10 a.m. and preferrably sleeping til noon. My body apparently thinks anything more than 15 minutes longer than usual is "sleeping in" and an hour longer is being extravagant! Granted, when I do manage to sleep later, I don't really feel like I have had a day off because the sleeping takes up the same amount of time as the job....and I didn't accomplish a single thing during that free time...or did I?
Isn't it now being found out that the lack of a good night's sleep is one of the major factors in weight gain? Doesn't lack of a good night's sleep cause an decrease in the ability to handle stress? There in a nutshell you have two of my major health issues...being overweight and being unable to physically handle stress. Is it because I don't get enough sleep? They are saying 7-8 hours uninterrupted sleep a night. I get usually around 4-6 uninterrupted hours of sleep, then after a trip to the powder room, maybe another 1-2 hours. Okay, but wait. When I was younger, if I slept anywhere less than 10 hours a night, I did not feel right physically. Ha! That was way before having kids! So, that's what I am looking for here...10 hours a night. I am a grandma now. I earned it. Right? Tell that to this body of mine. I want to stay up late at night. Like I said, that is when the creative juices start flowing. That is when I start getting interested in the blogs, the squidoo lenses, and all the other income increasing activities I am getting involved in begin...oh say, around 9 pm until 1 am. And if I find something really interesting, like I did when I found those animusic videos last week, and that happens later in the evening, I could be up until 4 am without even blinking an eye! I try to limit that to when I do have a day off the next day. So what does happen the next day? My normal wake up time is around 7:30 am. When I end up forgetting to go to bed or just too wired with the interesting stuff to go to bed before 3 am...I end up sleeping until...you guessed it...8:30 and if I am lucky, maybe 9:00. Come on body, give granny a break wouldya?
I know, it's my fault. I need to retrain my body to go to bed earlier rather than to sleep later. That way I can get a good night sleep when I have to get up the next morning for work. That WOULD be the smart thing to do now wouldn't it? I think it is that teenager in me. I am a grandma for goodness sakes. I am old enough to stay up as late as I want to and no one is going to make me go to bed if I don't want to. Oh is that what I know is bouncing around in my head some nights. I work. I pay my bills. I raised my kids. I can do what I want. Oh but doth my body protest. "Granny," says body, "use some common sense and go to bed. NOW!"
Time for a short snooze.....zzzzzzzzzzz
Monday, April 14, 2008
One Year Ago Today
Has it been a year already? Or has it been ten years?
One year ago today I was fired from a job I really liked. Not because I wasn't doing a good job. In fact, the boss said my work was fantastic. So, why would they fire someone who was doing such good work? Because I was sick--too sick to continue and be a liability to their company if something should happen to me on the job. I wasn't a permanent employee, but a long term temp worker, having been there 15 months.
Is it the anniversary that has me in an a-fib episode today? Or is it just one of those regular occurances after having a busy day the day before? Actually I had a busy, full weekend starting on Friday with the day spent at Daughter's house. Saturday I spent all day going through all my photographs and sorting them into three categories. Yesterday I actually made it back to church for the first time in many months. If I remember right, the
last time I was in church was last June. I think I had been managing to get there about once every other month since I had stopped going weekly because of this a-fib. I was so happy about getting back to church that I took my own picture after I got in the car. Even my arthritis was cooperating, allowing me to walk without pain, not just yesterday, but Saturday as well. It could be that subconsciously I am thinking of the way I felt a year ago today. Maybe it is just the combination of everything.
The doctor's office called earlier. They apparently just got the results of the monitor recordings when I had to wear it for those two weeks awhile back. The doctor has decided to take me off the flecainide as it isn't working for me anymore. I won't know what he will replace it with until next Monday at my next appointment. And he is having me go back on the coumadin. Darn. I hate that stuff. But if you want to talk money, it is MUCH cheaper than the flecainide...like by $100.
All I have done today other than my usual call center job is rest. That is how it always is right after an episode starts. This one started during the first few minutes of working today. I particularly hate when it starts that way because at first it just knocks the wind out of me and that makes it hard to talk much. Not good for a call center employee whose job relies on talking. Oh my, that just made me think that my mother would have said that call center work is perfect for me because I have always been one who talks a lot. In fact she used to say I was vaccinated with a phonograph needle. Are any of my readers old enough to remember what those are? Well, in a-fib, talking is minimal...breathing is priority, rest is mandatory. It is the days like today that remind me where I was and how I felt a year ago today. I was on that day just 10 days away from a scheduled cardioversion. (Two scheduled cardiversions never happened because I apparently "scared myself" back into normal rhythm just before time for the proceedure.) Also just 10 days away from the birth of youngest Grandson.
So, this past year has been filled with all kinds of emotion, as well as all kinds of events. Getting fired, winning a battle against the company for wrongful termination with unemployment, but not being awarded benefits because, in their words, I was too sick to work, so until I was able to work full time, I could not get the benefits. I also went through the process of applying to Social Security for SSI and SSDI, having the support of the congressman for our district, and the long wait while they made their determination on my eligibility. In addition to all this, there was the dealing with Mrs. Landlady concerning keeping my home. With the help of two churches, and the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation, I kept my home, got medicine for a month, and got set up with everything I needed to be able to do this call center job. When it all came together it happened almost simultaneously within a two month period in which I got SSI, then got SSDI and started working in the call center. The rest of the year has been spent in settling into the job, getting accustomed to being disabled, and working to get better. This weekend seems to me to have been a wonderful ending for this past year even if today is not. To have had three perfect days in a row, well that hasn't happened in a long time. Yesterday was the closest to normal that I have felt in probably two years since I got sick almost two years ago.
So what do I have to say to anyone out there going through this kind of deal? Don't give up. Hang on, get the help you need, pray, have faith in God. If the ones you always thought would be there for you disappear, don't be angry with them. They don't know how to respond. Forgive them, love them, and pray for them. Rejoice in the ones who do show up for you. You are going to make it and get through this even if it seems like it is taking forever and you can't see the light at the end of this particular tunnel.
What do I have to say about still being sick, just not as bad as I was? I take this all as a reminder of where I once was, and how God has brought me through it all, and that He is the One in control, not me. He is the one who owns each and every breath and heartbeat. I have no control over either. And God is Good All The Time! (I Peter 5:12)
One year ago today I was fired from a job I really liked. Not because I wasn't doing a good job. In fact, the boss said my work was fantastic. So, why would they fire someone who was doing such good work? Because I was sick--too sick to continue and be a liability to their company if something should happen to me on the job. I wasn't a permanent employee, but a long term temp worker, having been there 15 months.
Is it the anniversary that has me in an a-fib episode today? Or is it just one of those regular occurances after having a busy day the day before? Actually I had a busy, full weekend starting on Friday with the day spent at Daughter's house. Saturday I spent all day going through all my photographs and sorting them into three categories. Yesterday I actually made it back to church for the first time in many months. If I remember right, the
last time I was in church was last June. I think I had been managing to get there about once every other month since I had stopped going weekly because of this a-fib. I was so happy about getting back to church that I took my own picture after I got in the car. Even my arthritis was cooperating, allowing me to walk without pain, not just yesterday, but Saturday as well. It could be that subconsciously I am thinking of the way I felt a year ago today. Maybe it is just the combination of everything. The doctor's office called earlier. They apparently just got the results of the monitor recordings when I had to wear it for those two weeks awhile back. The doctor has decided to take me off the flecainide as it isn't working for me anymore. I won't know what he will replace it with until next Monday at my next appointment. And he is having me go back on the coumadin. Darn. I hate that stuff. But if you want to talk money, it is MUCH cheaper than the flecainide...like by $100.
All I have done today other than my usual call center job is rest. That is how it always is right after an episode starts. This one started during the first few minutes of working today. I particularly hate when it starts that way because at first it just knocks the wind out of me and that makes it hard to talk much. Not good for a call center employee whose job relies on talking. Oh my, that just made me think that my mother would have said that call center work is perfect for me because I have always been one who talks a lot. In fact she used to say I was vaccinated with a phonograph needle. Are any of my readers old enough to remember what those are? Well, in a-fib, talking is minimal...breathing is priority, rest is mandatory. It is the days like today that remind me where I was and how I felt a year ago today. I was on that day just 10 days away from a scheduled cardioversion. (Two scheduled cardiversions never happened because I apparently "scared myself" back into normal rhythm just before time for the proceedure.) Also just 10 days away from the birth of youngest Grandson.
So, this past year has been filled with all kinds of emotion, as well as all kinds of events. Getting fired, winning a battle against the company for wrongful termination with unemployment, but not being awarded benefits because, in their words, I was too sick to work, so until I was able to work full time, I could not get the benefits. I also went through the process of applying to Social Security for SSI and SSDI, having the support of the congressman for our district, and the long wait while they made their determination on my eligibility. In addition to all this, there was the dealing with Mrs. Landlady concerning keeping my home. With the help of two churches, and the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation, I kept my home, got medicine for a month, and got set up with everything I needed to be able to do this call center job. When it all came together it happened almost simultaneously within a two month period in which I got SSI, then got SSDI and started working in the call center. The rest of the year has been spent in settling into the job, getting accustomed to being disabled, and working to get better. This weekend seems to me to have been a wonderful ending for this past year even if today is not. To have had three perfect days in a row, well that hasn't happened in a long time. Yesterday was the closest to normal that I have felt in probably two years since I got sick almost two years ago.
So what do I have to say to anyone out there going through this kind of deal? Don't give up. Hang on, get the help you need, pray, have faith in God. If the ones you always thought would be there for you disappear, don't be angry with them. They don't know how to respond. Forgive them, love them, and pray for them. Rejoice in the ones who do show up for you. You are going to make it and get through this even if it seems like it is taking forever and you can't see the light at the end of this particular tunnel.
What do I have to say about still being sick, just not as bad as I was? I take this all as a reminder of where I once was, and how God has brought me through it all, and that He is the One in control, not me. He is the one who owns each and every breath and heartbeat. I have no control over either. And God is Good All The Time! (I Peter 5:12)
Monday, March 17, 2008
Calorie Burning Chart
I just found this cool website that allows you to enter your current weight along with the amount of time you choose to enter, such as 30 minutes, 60 minutes, etc. and it will give you a chart listing all kinds of activities and the calories you are burning for each, based on your weight. I can't tell you how accurate it might be, but it lets you have a good idea of what you do in 24 hour period and how many calories you are burning each day. Then all you have to do is calculate how many calories you are eating each day and see if you are burning more or eating more.
http://www.primusweb.com/fitnesspartner/jumpsite/calculat.htm
Here is another calculator but it doesn't have as many activities listed. On the other hand, it has other health calculators you might be interested in.
http://exercise.about.com/cs/fitnesstools/l/blcalorieburn.htm
It always takes more mental effort than physical effort for me to lose weight. I suppose it is that way for most of us who are battling with being overweight. A big portion of my problem with weight gain has been the gradual decrease in physical activity over the years. The other part of the problem is obviously that I eat too much for the amount of calories I burn. Now that I am in the state of health that has so restricted my physical activities, I have to do whatever I can to increase my activity level without overdoing it and making myself sick. The challenge has become more than it ever was in the past. That is where the mental effort has to come into the equation. I have to really want to work at this. Always in the past I have had to get "psyched up" to succeed at weight loss. I had to work myself into a mindset that eating right and getting more exercise was what I really wanted to do. Then I usually would attack that project wholeheartedly and have some good success. Eventually, however, I would gradually slip back into the old habits. As all of us who are victims of the yo-yo syndrome of dieting, we lost weight, then gained it back plus more...then lost weight again and gained it back again plus another bonus pack of pounds. I have yo-yo'd all the way up to my current weight and current health and now, after deliberately working on the mental attitude for the past few months along with getting to the place where I have felt good enough to think about all of this to begin with, I am ready to begin. Little things have been changing here and there including appetite changes and changes in what I even want to eat. For instance, I am buying and cooking a lot more chicken and fish and a lot less beef or pork. For one thing, I have figured out over the past few years that certain cuts of pork are actually addictive for me. I know if I buy those I will be in trouble when it comes time to cook and eat them. So, I rarely even buy them anymore. I don't cut them out all together, because then I start craving them and end up buying too much and ultimately cooking and eating too much. But if I buy in moderation, I don't have it to cook so it isn't a problem. There are other foods that can cause me the same problems, so I have learned to not buy those either. Most of those require some preparation to get to the dish that is addictive, so even if I buy the food, I stay away from making the addictive recipe. Mashed potatoes is one of those. In fact, where I used to think I had to have some kind of potato dish for every evening meal, I might only have potatoes once or twice a month now. Some of that was planned, and some of it was circumstantial. It is simple. What I don't buy, I don't eat. I don't feel well enough most of the time to make a run to the store for something I might be craving, so I have been learning how to deal with those cravings.
Basically, I am at a sort of ideal place in my routines and life to start this weight loss project. As long as I can stock up on the healthy foods, and the easy recipes, I shouldn't have much of a problem. There are times I eat only vegetables and fruits and when I do that for any length of time, I feel much better. I can tell the difference if I go back to eating heavier foods. And I can really tell the difference when I end up eating fast foods or too much pizza. I know there are easy, low calorie ways to get that pizza flavor without having the high fat-high calorie pie. Sometimes all it takes is a nice salad with some tomatoes, pepperoni slices and shredded mozzarella cheese on it. In fact, another good thing about having been feeling so bad for such a long time, I find it much easier to be satisfied with just a little amount of food rather than going back for seconds. So now I want to try to find out what I can really be comfortable with rather than thinking I have to be stuffed to feel full. That was all I knew growing up so that is what I carried into adulthood and all through my life. From my viewpoint, when I watch someone take the small servings and then be satisfied with that, I have to stop thinking about that as just an appetizer. Now I can be satisfied with a snack size portion or appetizer as long as it isn't one of those addictive foods I have learned to stay away from.
Another part of that mental attitude is working on the self discipline that it takes to stick to the program, especially increasing the physical activity. Right now that part has to be kept at a delicate balance because doing too much can set me into another atrial fibrillation episode. Then I don't want to do much of anything because that just zaps all my energy. Right now, when I am feeling good, I have a lot of pent up mental energy. There are many times I think I can just get up and go do something I used to do only to get up and be smacked by the arthritis pain or the shortness of breath. That shortness of breath is going to be one of the next topics of discussion with the doctor next month. Since finding out that I can't yet get off the "water pills" because the fluid built up again and took my breath away there for a day or two, I am going to ask if there is something different we can do to get more of the excess fluids off. I have always held excess fluids but not to this extent.
This brings me to another thing I have done in my eating. I have cut out all added salt. I used to keep a little salt shaker handy to add salt to everything I cooked. I never put much salt in the foods I cook so those who don't love salt like I do don't have to eat it. Well, I found out I was addicted to salt. The interesting thing about that was that I wasn't addicted to the food with salt...I was addicted to the salt with the food. That means that certain foods made salt taste really good...not that salt made certain foods taste really good. Does that make sense to you? That started my salt reduction, and the health issues continued the salt reduction. Now I probably put even less salt in the things I cook. I haven't seen that salt shaker in months and months. If I can get my plate away from the stove before adding salt, no salt gets added because I am not going to choose salt over keeping my knee from pain. I think I used to buy new salt about every couple of months...I only buy it once or twice a year now. Amazing, huh?
Okay, now that I have written another booklet here tonight, let me close by saying that I am not rushing through any weight loss plan like in the past. This time it will take some time. Baby steps. That is all it is going to be for awhile. And no reprimanding myself for falling here or there along the way. That is another thing I have learned over the years...falling is not failing unless you don't get back up and keep going. It really isn't about the destination, but it is about the journey getting there. My life journey has been and will continue to be an adventure.
http://www.primusweb.com/fitnesspartner/jumpsite/calculat.htm
Here is another calculator but it doesn't have as many activities listed. On the other hand, it has other health calculators you might be interested in.
http://exercise.about.com/cs/fitnesstools/l/blcalorieburn.htm
It always takes more mental effort than physical effort for me to lose weight. I suppose it is that way for most of us who are battling with being overweight. A big portion of my problem with weight gain has been the gradual decrease in physical activity over the years. The other part of the problem is obviously that I eat too much for the amount of calories I burn. Now that I am in the state of health that has so restricted my physical activities, I have to do whatever I can to increase my activity level without overdoing it and making myself sick. The challenge has become more than it ever was in the past. That is where the mental effort has to come into the equation. I have to really want to work at this. Always in the past I have had to get "psyched up" to succeed at weight loss. I had to work myself into a mindset that eating right and getting more exercise was what I really wanted to do. Then I usually would attack that project wholeheartedly and have some good success. Eventually, however, I would gradually slip back into the old habits. As all of us who are victims of the yo-yo syndrome of dieting, we lost weight, then gained it back plus more...then lost weight again and gained it back again plus another bonus pack of pounds. I have yo-yo'd all the way up to my current weight and current health and now, after deliberately working on the mental attitude for the past few months along with getting to the place where I have felt good enough to think about all of this to begin with, I am ready to begin. Little things have been changing here and there including appetite changes and changes in what I even want to eat. For instance, I am buying and cooking a lot more chicken and fish and a lot less beef or pork. For one thing, I have figured out over the past few years that certain cuts of pork are actually addictive for me. I know if I buy those I will be in trouble when it comes time to cook and eat them. So, I rarely even buy them anymore. I don't cut them out all together, because then I start craving them and end up buying too much and ultimately cooking and eating too much. But if I buy in moderation, I don't have it to cook so it isn't a problem. There are other foods that can cause me the same problems, so I have learned to not buy those either. Most of those require some preparation to get to the dish that is addictive, so even if I buy the food, I stay away from making the addictive recipe. Mashed potatoes is one of those. In fact, where I used to think I had to have some kind of potato dish for every evening meal, I might only have potatoes once or twice a month now. Some of that was planned, and some of it was circumstantial. It is simple. What I don't buy, I don't eat. I don't feel well enough most of the time to make a run to the store for something I might be craving, so I have been learning how to deal with those cravings.
Basically, I am at a sort of ideal place in my routines and life to start this weight loss project. As long as I can stock up on the healthy foods, and the easy recipes, I shouldn't have much of a problem. There are times I eat only vegetables and fruits and when I do that for any length of time, I feel much better. I can tell the difference if I go back to eating heavier foods. And I can really tell the difference when I end up eating fast foods or too much pizza. I know there are easy, low calorie ways to get that pizza flavor without having the high fat-high calorie pie. Sometimes all it takes is a nice salad with some tomatoes, pepperoni slices and shredded mozzarella cheese on it. In fact, another good thing about having been feeling so bad for such a long time, I find it much easier to be satisfied with just a little amount of food rather than going back for seconds. So now I want to try to find out what I can really be comfortable with rather than thinking I have to be stuffed to feel full. That was all I knew growing up so that is what I carried into adulthood and all through my life. From my viewpoint, when I watch someone take the small servings and then be satisfied with that, I have to stop thinking about that as just an appetizer. Now I can be satisfied with a snack size portion or appetizer as long as it isn't one of those addictive foods I have learned to stay away from.
Another part of that mental attitude is working on the self discipline that it takes to stick to the program, especially increasing the physical activity. Right now that part has to be kept at a delicate balance because doing too much can set me into another atrial fibrillation episode. Then I don't want to do much of anything because that just zaps all my energy. Right now, when I am feeling good, I have a lot of pent up mental energy. There are many times I think I can just get up and go do something I used to do only to get up and be smacked by the arthritis pain or the shortness of breath. That shortness of breath is going to be one of the next topics of discussion with the doctor next month. Since finding out that I can't yet get off the "water pills" because the fluid built up again and took my breath away there for a day or two, I am going to ask if there is something different we can do to get more of the excess fluids off. I have always held excess fluids but not to this extent.
This brings me to another thing I have done in my eating. I have cut out all added salt. I used to keep a little salt shaker handy to add salt to everything I cooked. I never put much salt in the foods I cook so those who don't love salt like I do don't have to eat it. Well, I found out I was addicted to salt. The interesting thing about that was that I wasn't addicted to the food with salt...I was addicted to the salt with the food. That means that certain foods made salt taste really good...not that salt made certain foods taste really good. Does that make sense to you? That started my salt reduction, and the health issues continued the salt reduction. Now I probably put even less salt in the things I cook. I haven't seen that salt shaker in months and months. If I can get my plate away from the stove before adding salt, no salt gets added because I am not going to choose salt over keeping my knee from pain. I think I used to buy new salt about every couple of months...I only buy it once or twice a year now. Amazing, huh?
Okay, now that I have written another booklet here tonight, let me close by saying that I am not rushing through any weight loss plan like in the past. This time it will take some time. Baby steps. That is all it is going to be for awhile. And no reprimanding myself for falling here or there along the way. That is another thing I have learned over the years...falling is not failing unless you don't get back up and keep going. It really isn't about the destination, but it is about the journey getting there. My life journey has been and will continue to be an adventure.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Health, Stress, Weight, and The Road Back
Tonight's blog comes with a bit of a warning label. It is long. It can be considered serious, maybe even something of a "downer". But if you read on...it is going to end on a very positive note.
The doctor appointment Monday was a good one, but once again I had gained weight. I was NOT happy about that. So, even though those photos (previous blog) look so good, I am going to have to temporarily keep away from those kinds of temptations. At least until I can tell myself that it is much better to take home a doggy bag...which Daughter and I both did. And it was even better the second heating. As in all things we don't like to admit to ourselves, there eventually comes a point where we say Enough Already! I have said that about my weight many times over the years. And many times over the years I have been able to lose weight. I will again. But this time there is a big difference from previous times. This time there is a different attitude, and a different overall outlook on my life. And the change has been so very gradual as to have, at this point, seemed to creep up on me. What I mean by this is that there came a point here recently where I suddenly realized some things that I just hadn't figured out about myself before.
Yesterday I was talking to someone about these very kinds of things and I told her that there is a phrase sticking in my mind lately. The Road Back. Nothing reveals to you how sick you were until you start feeling better. And I am a person who has spent her entire life in a constant state of denial about certain things--especially when I am focusing all my attention on other things that have to be taken care of to the exclusion of taking care of myself. To be honest, I have never fully taken care of myself in a healthy way, because from my earliest years I was already taking care of myself in the way of self-preservation. I am not going to go into the issues that brought a lot of my current problems to the surface. Just suffice it to say that I did not live in a totally healthy atmosphere for a young child. For the most part it was good, but there was the awful stuff which involved different kinds of abuse. Denial quickly became a part of my life at a very early age.
Then if you look closely at the picture of the little girl on the left side of the blog, you can see that the little girl (me) has legs that just don't stand right. And if you look really close, maybe you can see that even the knee caps seem to be in the wrong place. I grew up my entire life being told I couldn't do this or couldn't do that because I had crooked legs. As I got into the ages of trying to decide what to study in college, the what I coulds and couldn'ts got even bigger. But I am still in denial at this time. I did whatever I wanted to do as a child even if I was being told I shouldn't do it because when I got older I would pay for it. I was clumsy. I fell down a lot. I ran and played with the rest of the kids, but I didn't keep up very well. I hated the orthopedic shoes I was always being told I had to wear. I didn't wear them anymore than I had to. I wanted to be normal just like the rest of the kids around me. In high school and in college, and in my jobs, I always was on my feet. I was warned that the more I was on my feet, the worse my legs would be as I got older. Denial. Not me. I was going to be just fine. I was fine then, so I would be fine later. I wasn't really fine because everything I did was already causing a lot of pain that I refused to believe wasn't the same as it was for anyone else, and I did nothing about it. I had convinced myself I was not in any more pain than the rest of the world was. Maybe since I was in denial about my health it helped to make myself believe that everyone else was like me instead of me trying to be like them.
Another warning was that I needed to keep my weight down because that added to the leg problems. I tried. I was put on my first diet when I was 8 years old. Now at this point, let me tell you a bit about that. Up until I was 7 or so, I was not a heavy child. But in my subconscious I decided that some of the abuse would stop if I were ugly, and I thought being fat would make me ugly. The weight gain all started then and in spite of all my attempts to lose weight, I kept gaining. I would lose some, gain more. The Yo-Yo pattern we all know about today. Dieting actually makes people fat. We need to eat right...eat healthy....but not diet. And not deprive ourselves because we set ourselves up for failure right away. I just have trouble doing all that.
Now we are hearing how stress contributes to weight gain. I don't know all the ins and outs of that and I am not into all the so-called quick fixes about cortosol and stress and weight gain. But, what I do know, and what I am figuring out...what I was talking about here earlier about this "knowing" sneaking up on me, is that stress has played such a huge part of my life all of my life, since earliest childhood and on until even today. I know stress is part of everyone's life. But each one of us deals with stress in our own different ways. Some are good at it, and others are not so good at it. I am one of those not so good at it kinds of people. Actually, maybe that is not true. Or maybe what is really true is that part of dealing with stress for me was my poor coping mechanisms. I eat. And eat. And in addition to all this, I have to deal with all that denial stuffed deep down inside of me. Well, what do I stuff it with? Food, of course.
Well over the years I have done a lot better with cutting back on the eating. I have made some pretty major changes, actually. The problem is, that over the years, as my pain increased, my activity level decreased. I didn't tell people that I was in pain. I am not sure I would have recognized it to be able to tell them...my denial was so ingrained. It was pain...wasn't everyone in pain? So, shouldn't I be doing what everyone else was doing? And due to the abuse in my childhood and teenage years, I believed I was somehow deficient because I was not just like everyone else...not just physically, but in other ways too. So...pain becomes very well acquainted with guilt. If I didn't do something all the way or correctly, I felt guilty. If the reason I didn't do it was because of pain, I erased the pain part...and replaced it with the me who was told I was no good. Now don't ask me to explain how a child interprets things. I don't know. Like in this...why could I tell myself my legs were okay and I was not different...when they were not okay. Yet at the same time, I could let someone tell me over and over again that I was no good and that I believed. I had it all twisted and mixed up. You can imagine what this did as I grew into an adult.
And to feel better about all of it, I ate. To get through problems whether they be with normal every day things we all deal with on a daily basis, or something unexpected that comes into all our lives occassionally, I dealt with them all by eating.
Raise your hand if you have been in this position too, whether it be with food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling, or any other destructive thing we do to ourselves to help us cope.
So, I started this with that phrase "The Road Back". This phrase popped into my head last week sometime I think. I was pondering this realization of how sick I had really been since June of 2006, and that actually it was probably building up before that. I remember how bad I felt. I remember at times feeling like if I took one more step I would die because there were times I felt my heart was just going to explode inside my chest. It wasn't pain...and I never had a heart attack. Even before my atrial fibrillation went chronic rather than occassional, I was sometimes feeling that bad. I was in vocational training classes full time evenings and working full time days. I was exhausted, but it took a stress fracture in my toe/foot to slow me down. Something had to give. Because of the hectic schedule I only had time for fast food in between shifts, so I was eating absolutely horribly unhealthy food. But the old guilt was more powerful than the pain and discomfort. Other issues were also at play in this and the stress level was extremely high. And I stuffed all of it so I could just keep going...like that everready bunny. If I didn't keep going, I was just like I was always told as a child...no good...a failure.
Do you know what a nervous breakdown looks like when it only hits you physically??? Like me the past 2 years. I fell apart physically probably because I was in so much denial that I wouldn't let myself fall apart mentally or emotionally. The Road Back takes a lot of turns. The Road Back covers a lot of territory. And as I am realizing today, The Road Back takes a long time...the sicker one is, the further we have to go to get better. Today when I am disappointed in myself because I can't do something I want to do, I stop thinking about being a failure. Instead I may try to find a different way to do it. Instead, I remind myself that my heart was stressed to the ultimate limit. My doctors feared heart failure and kidney failure when I was at my sickest. Thank God all tests came back normal. But still, the heart is a muscle and if a leg muscle can be strained, cannot a heart muscle also be strained? The heart being what it is as the organ that keeps us alive...that pumps all that blood and oxygen through our bodies, if it is strained, and for a very long period of time, it just goes to figure that it is not going to feel normal again very soon. It needs time to get better. The legs hurt. Oh my do they hurt. But for the most part I can deal with that. The issues still having to do with the heart are what are slowing me down the most. And I have come to think that when the pain is at its worst, it causes another atrial fibrillation episode which is one reason I am on this monitor.
My weight has got to start coming down. I will not allow it to go any higher. Thank you again Richard Simmons for that sit down exercise video. That is going to help me out a lot to keep me from being bored trying to exercise sitting down. Thank you all my doctors and everyone else I have gotten help from, including various counselors for the mental health issues from all of this. Depression is also a big problem for people learning to accept disability. Stress being what it is in regards to atrial fibrillation, especially for me, counseling has become a necessity. In the past, that would have been something that convinced me I was still a failure. But you know what? I am not a failure. I never was a failure. If you are in counseling, or know someone who is, give them your support and encouragement. They are doing what they need to do. In fact...when most of the rest of the world around me was telling me to keep going, and not quit (work that is), and didn't really understand how sick I was, it was my counselors who kept me going. It was my counselors who kept being the ones telling me maybe for the first time in my life, that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing...doing what I needed to be doing...and making the right choices when the world around me was making me feel like I was making wrong choices. I am not sure I would have gotten through the worst part of waiting for the determination of receiving my disability benefits had it not been for the way my counselors kept telling me that I was doing what I needed to do to take care of myself.
Here is the upbeat part you were waiting for...I got my disability benefits, and on the first try. I am working part time to suppliment that income. (How many times do we who receive help from the government we paid taxes to, get ridiculed for being a drain on society...to those who complain about us--get over it!!! That's another blog maybe next year LOL). I have had a lot of the stress-causing issues taken care of in the past few months. I have not been in chronic a-fib now for several months although I still have a lot of periodic episodes that may last up to a day or two...not so much now. I am off of 3 medications. I might get to have one more medication changed for a less dangerous kind if this monitoring goes right. I had shingles over the Christmas holidays--YUCK! I hope I never get those again. But once I got past that, I have been steadily been feeling better every day. I still have days when I feel lousy. But there has been a great upside. For instance, I am quite sure that even 2 months ago I would not have been up to doing these blogs. I couldn't even motivate myself to do a regular journal like I used to do before things changed so. Denial wants to rise again at times because I can feel so good I want to get up and go do something simple only to find out when I try that I am forced back to my chair just to breathe. Weight loss will play a huge part in that also. And figuring out that extra activity that causes more pain than usual, and makes me more tired than usual, triggers another atrial fibrillation episode is something else I have to figure into the equation. So there is the cycle...to lose weight, exercise...to exercise I need to feel better...to feel better, I need to lose weight. LOL But it will happen all in a good, healthy time. No more trying to hurry up and get it done. Realistic goals I have never really set for myself before. But now I have my goals. And I am making new goals all the time as I feel better...but all in good time. I need to lose a lot of weight--no I am not telling how much. It is going to take time. Especially if I want to keep it off. I have been sick a long time. (Denial--I never used the word "sick" to describe my a-fib until this past year and I have had it for almost 14 years. It had to go chronic before I accepted that I was sick.) It is going to take time to get fully better. Like 2-3 years is what I am giving myself. And if I don't make it in that time, I have given myself permission to take longer. I have also given myself permission to reach a realistic weight loss goal instead of trying to make myself look like--well what a model would look like if she were an old granny like me. I want to be healthy, not skinny. If any of you wants to join me in this weight loss journey, feel free. Actually I would enjoy the company.
The doctor appointment Monday was a good one, but once again I had gained weight. I was NOT happy about that. So, even though those photos (previous blog) look so good, I am going to have to temporarily keep away from those kinds of temptations. At least until I can tell myself that it is much better to take home a doggy bag...which Daughter and I both did. And it was even better the second heating. As in all things we don't like to admit to ourselves, there eventually comes a point where we say Enough Already! I have said that about my weight many times over the years. And many times over the years I have been able to lose weight. I will again. But this time there is a big difference from previous times. This time there is a different attitude, and a different overall outlook on my life. And the change has been so very gradual as to have, at this point, seemed to creep up on me. What I mean by this is that there came a point here recently where I suddenly realized some things that I just hadn't figured out about myself before.
Yesterday I was talking to someone about these very kinds of things and I told her that there is a phrase sticking in my mind lately. The Road Back. Nothing reveals to you how sick you were until you start feeling better. And I am a person who has spent her entire life in a constant state of denial about certain things--especially when I am focusing all my attention on other things that have to be taken care of to the exclusion of taking care of myself. To be honest, I have never fully taken care of myself in a healthy way, because from my earliest years I was already taking care of myself in the way of self-preservation. I am not going to go into the issues that brought a lot of my current problems to the surface. Just suffice it to say that I did not live in a totally healthy atmosphere for a young child. For the most part it was good, but there was the awful stuff which involved different kinds of abuse. Denial quickly became a part of my life at a very early age.
Then if you look closely at the picture of the little girl on the left side of the blog, you can see that the little girl (me) has legs that just don't stand right. And if you look really close, maybe you can see that even the knee caps seem to be in the wrong place. I grew up my entire life being told I couldn't do this or couldn't do that because I had crooked legs. As I got into the ages of trying to decide what to study in college, the what I coulds and couldn'ts got even bigger. But I am still in denial at this time. I did whatever I wanted to do as a child even if I was being told I shouldn't do it because when I got older I would pay for it. I was clumsy. I fell down a lot. I ran and played with the rest of the kids, but I didn't keep up very well. I hated the orthopedic shoes I was always being told I had to wear. I didn't wear them anymore than I had to. I wanted to be normal just like the rest of the kids around me. In high school and in college, and in my jobs, I always was on my feet. I was warned that the more I was on my feet, the worse my legs would be as I got older. Denial. Not me. I was going to be just fine. I was fine then, so I would be fine later. I wasn't really fine because everything I did was already causing a lot of pain that I refused to believe wasn't the same as it was for anyone else, and I did nothing about it. I had convinced myself I was not in any more pain than the rest of the world was. Maybe since I was in denial about my health it helped to make myself believe that everyone else was like me instead of me trying to be like them.
Another warning was that I needed to keep my weight down because that added to the leg problems. I tried. I was put on my first diet when I was 8 years old. Now at this point, let me tell you a bit about that. Up until I was 7 or so, I was not a heavy child. But in my subconscious I decided that some of the abuse would stop if I were ugly, and I thought being fat would make me ugly. The weight gain all started then and in spite of all my attempts to lose weight, I kept gaining. I would lose some, gain more. The Yo-Yo pattern we all know about today. Dieting actually makes people fat. We need to eat right...eat healthy....but not diet. And not deprive ourselves because we set ourselves up for failure right away. I just have trouble doing all that.
Now we are hearing how stress contributes to weight gain. I don't know all the ins and outs of that and I am not into all the so-called quick fixes about cortosol and stress and weight gain. But, what I do know, and what I am figuring out...what I was talking about here earlier about this "knowing" sneaking up on me, is that stress has played such a huge part of my life all of my life, since earliest childhood and on until even today. I know stress is part of everyone's life. But each one of us deals with stress in our own different ways. Some are good at it, and others are not so good at it. I am one of those not so good at it kinds of people. Actually, maybe that is not true. Or maybe what is really true is that part of dealing with stress for me was my poor coping mechanisms. I eat. And eat. And in addition to all this, I have to deal with all that denial stuffed deep down inside of me. Well, what do I stuff it with? Food, of course.
Well over the years I have done a lot better with cutting back on the eating. I have made some pretty major changes, actually. The problem is, that over the years, as my pain increased, my activity level decreased. I didn't tell people that I was in pain. I am not sure I would have recognized it to be able to tell them...my denial was so ingrained. It was pain...wasn't everyone in pain? So, shouldn't I be doing what everyone else was doing? And due to the abuse in my childhood and teenage years, I believed I was somehow deficient because I was not just like everyone else...not just physically, but in other ways too. So...pain becomes very well acquainted with guilt. If I didn't do something all the way or correctly, I felt guilty. If the reason I didn't do it was because of pain, I erased the pain part...and replaced it with the me who was told I was no good. Now don't ask me to explain how a child interprets things. I don't know. Like in this...why could I tell myself my legs were okay and I was not different...when they were not okay. Yet at the same time, I could let someone tell me over and over again that I was no good and that I believed. I had it all twisted and mixed up. You can imagine what this did as I grew into an adult.
And to feel better about all of it, I ate. To get through problems whether they be with normal every day things we all deal with on a daily basis, or something unexpected that comes into all our lives occassionally, I dealt with them all by eating.
Raise your hand if you have been in this position too, whether it be with food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling, or any other destructive thing we do to ourselves to help us cope.
So, I started this with that phrase "The Road Back". This phrase popped into my head last week sometime I think. I was pondering this realization of how sick I had really been since June of 2006, and that actually it was probably building up before that. I remember how bad I felt. I remember at times feeling like if I took one more step I would die because there were times I felt my heart was just going to explode inside my chest. It wasn't pain...and I never had a heart attack. Even before my atrial fibrillation went chronic rather than occassional, I was sometimes feeling that bad. I was in vocational training classes full time evenings and working full time days. I was exhausted, but it took a stress fracture in my toe/foot to slow me down. Something had to give. Because of the hectic schedule I only had time for fast food in between shifts, so I was eating absolutely horribly unhealthy food. But the old guilt was more powerful than the pain and discomfort. Other issues were also at play in this and the stress level was extremely high. And I stuffed all of it so I could just keep going...like that everready bunny. If I didn't keep going, I was just like I was always told as a child...no good...a failure.
Do you know what a nervous breakdown looks like when it only hits you physically??? Like me the past 2 years. I fell apart physically probably because I was in so much denial that I wouldn't let myself fall apart mentally or emotionally. The Road Back takes a lot of turns. The Road Back covers a lot of territory. And as I am realizing today, The Road Back takes a long time...the sicker one is, the further we have to go to get better. Today when I am disappointed in myself because I can't do something I want to do, I stop thinking about being a failure. Instead I may try to find a different way to do it. Instead, I remind myself that my heart was stressed to the ultimate limit. My doctors feared heart failure and kidney failure when I was at my sickest. Thank God all tests came back normal. But still, the heart is a muscle and if a leg muscle can be strained, cannot a heart muscle also be strained? The heart being what it is as the organ that keeps us alive...that pumps all that blood and oxygen through our bodies, if it is strained, and for a very long period of time, it just goes to figure that it is not going to feel normal again very soon. It needs time to get better. The legs hurt. Oh my do they hurt. But for the most part I can deal with that. The issues still having to do with the heart are what are slowing me down the most. And I have come to think that when the pain is at its worst, it causes another atrial fibrillation episode which is one reason I am on this monitor.
My weight has got to start coming down. I will not allow it to go any higher. Thank you again Richard Simmons for that sit down exercise video. That is going to help me out a lot to keep me from being bored trying to exercise sitting down. Thank you all my doctors and everyone else I have gotten help from, including various counselors for the mental health issues from all of this. Depression is also a big problem for people learning to accept disability. Stress being what it is in regards to atrial fibrillation, especially for me, counseling has become a necessity. In the past, that would have been something that convinced me I was still a failure. But you know what? I am not a failure. I never was a failure. If you are in counseling, or know someone who is, give them your support and encouragement. They are doing what they need to do. In fact...when most of the rest of the world around me was telling me to keep going, and not quit (work that is), and didn't really understand how sick I was, it was my counselors who kept me going. It was my counselors who kept being the ones telling me maybe for the first time in my life, that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing...doing what I needed to be doing...and making the right choices when the world around me was making me feel like I was making wrong choices. I am not sure I would have gotten through the worst part of waiting for the determination of receiving my disability benefits had it not been for the way my counselors kept telling me that I was doing what I needed to do to take care of myself.
Here is the upbeat part you were waiting for...I got my disability benefits, and on the first try. I am working part time to suppliment that income. (How many times do we who receive help from the government we paid taxes to, get ridiculed for being a drain on society...to those who complain about us--get over it!!! That's another blog maybe next year LOL). I have had a lot of the stress-causing issues taken care of in the past few months. I have not been in chronic a-fib now for several months although I still have a lot of periodic episodes that may last up to a day or two...not so much now. I am off of 3 medications. I might get to have one more medication changed for a less dangerous kind if this monitoring goes right. I had shingles over the Christmas holidays--YUCK! I hope I never get those again. But once I got past that, I have been steadily been feeling better every day. I still have days when I feel lousy. But there has been a great upside. For instance, I am quite sure that even 2 months ago I would not have been up to doing these blogs. I couldn't even motivate myself to do a regular journal like I used to do before things changed so. Denial wants to rise again at times because I can feel so good I want to get up and go do something simple only to find out when I try that I am forced back to my chair just to breathe. Weight loss will play a huge part in that also. And figuring out that extra activity that causes more pain than usual, and makes me more tired than usual, triggers another atrial fibrillation episode is something else I have to figure into the equation. So there is the cycle...to lose weight, exercise...to exercise I need to feel better...to feel better, I need to lose weight. LOL But it will happen all in a good, healthy time. No more trying to hurry up and get it done. Realistic goals I have never really set for myself before. But now I have my goals. And I am making new goals all the time as I feel better...but all in good time. I need to lose a lot of weight--no I am not telling how much. It is going to take time. Especially if I want to keep it off. I have been sick a long time. (Denial--I never used the word "sick" to describe my a-fib until this past year and I have had it for almost 14 years. It had to go chronic before I accepted that I was sick.) It is going to take time to get fully better. Like 2-3 years is what I am giving myself. And if I don't make it in that time, I have given myself permission to take longer. I have also given myself permission to reach a realistic weight loss goal instead of trying to make myself look like--well what a model would look like if she were an old granny like me. I want to be healthy, not skinny. If any of you wants to join me in this weight loss journey, feel free. Actually I would enjoy the company.
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