Tuesday, May 20, 2008


I'm getting better. At least the part of me that made me feel sick is getting better. That would be the heart--the atrial fibrillation. Now that my heart muscle has had this time to rest, (this is my theory anyway) I am feeling better. So why am I so frustrated? The rest of my muscles, while my heart muscle was resting, have lost tone and strength. The arthritis seems to be continually growing worse and my knees really hurt when I am up walking or standing very much. At the same time, my body is refusing to allow my mind any peace. It wants to get up and move! That is wonderful! My mind and my body are in sinc at least some of the time and I am finding myself doing more all the time. Not just that....but I am wanting to and that is an important thing to. When you are sick, you just don't want to do much of anything and you end up not caring about a lot of things. You just don't have any energy to care.
Feeling better started gradually around December/January. It was then that I was able to start thinking about the baby steps I would be taking to work my way back. At this point I don't think I am going to get back everything I was before all of this, but I am not going to allow myself to give up. Eventually maybe I will get a knee replacement or two. But that is not in the foreseeable near future.
Another reason for the frustration is that with this nice spring weather I want to be outside enjoying it. The thing is, I don't know how to anymore. I don't know how to do anything other than go to WalMart where I can drive around and around in the motorized cart, or stay in my car when I go anywhere else. I want to get to the parks, to the lakes, to the rivers, and other places where I can photograph nature in its glory. So for the past few days I have been trying to figure out how to do that. For example, I want to go fishing. Instead of just thinking about what I need to buy and pack for a day trip, I am thinking of additional things such as where can I park so I don't have to walk more than a few feet to the shoreline? Where is the nearest facility for those little necessary trips that interrupt a day spent in the sunshine and breeze, and how far would I have to walk to get there? Or, better yet, can I find a place to park and fish, take pictures, and picnic if I want to, and still be within close driving range to those facilities? These are the kinds of things that are occupying my mind these days.
Soon, like the first part of next month, there will be all kinds of activities going on here in this area, including concerts in the park. I used to go to those every week and really enjoyed them. But at that time, I didn't have to worry about how far away I parked. Even the closest parking places now are too far for me to walk. I don't have a wheelchair and I don't want one unless that would become absolutely necessary. A motorized scooter would be nice but at this point in time, that is way out of my budget. Besides, I am not sure about how easy they are to get in and out of my van.
I really admire those who are able to continue on with their lives and be active even though they are disabled in one way or another. This is a new challenge for me and I hope to conquer it soon. By that I mean, learn how to not let it keep me down or hold me back. I have learned how to manage inside my home by doing things in a different way. Now it is time to learn how to do them on the outside. Of course one obstacle here includes pride. I have issues with feeling embarrassed by my situation and that doesn't help me to push forward. One of the things that bother me about this is that I feel I have to do this by myself because other than my children and a few close friends, the rest of the people I thought of as my friends turned their backs on me for the most part when I got sick. They offered their prayers, from a great distance, leaving only one or two to be the contacts. So, all the activities I used to enjoy with them I will be doing alone now until I find some new friends as I get out and about more. And I am not going to turn my backs on them if they choose to return now that I am feeling better. But I don't expect that to happen.
So, even though I am frustrated right now...even though I want to get out and be as fully active as I was more than two years ago...I am not going to let all these obstacles stop me from moving forward, however slowly I will have to do that. I know for sure if I want to continue putting photos on my photography blog I am going to have to get out there and take some more. In fact, I have tentative plans for this weekend, weather permitting.

Speaking of photos, I am hoping to get out to Daughter's house in the next few weeks and get some pictures of the puppies. By then they should be up and waddling all over her kitchen. One of them died so there are only 8 instead of 9. She said all of them but one are girls. Son-in-law wanted to keep one of the boys, so it looks like that choice is very limited.

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